Personal Blah Blah

So I was pretty depressed today. Why? I am no good at Spanish and have a test tomorrow, I am wasting time in Advanced Computers (apparently a project without a due date can be late) because I'm not motivated by competition, creativity, subject interest, or a deadline...I'm going to live by myself in Boston in a couple of years at an intimidating college that charges $30,000 and doesn't get academic scholarships (I got a 32 on the ACT, I was leaning pretty heavily on a scholarship) my mom is annoying and never agrees with me, I want to do a song for an English project with Kyle and Joe but don't really have the time to write it (we'll only get one day to record at Liv's house, and that's assuming I finish my dumb project on tables tomorrow in Avd. Comp.), I don't know how to be depressed without calling attention to myself (but bottling things up is bad; I just hate being pathetic and having people baby me), I have not liked Gym class in weeks (I have this sudden urge to get in shape that I have no time to pursue outside of gym, where we no longer really exercise), I still have a missing assignment in English, I haven't finished my Bible project due tomorrow yet, I am blogging like some pitiful emo scum, my awesome girlfriend tries hard to cheer me up and I can't give her the satisfaction of victory, I have to answer questions all day because I'm acting differently (lethargic, apathetic, sluggish). Something about me: I tend to broadcast my emotions. If I'm happy or mad or depressed, everyone around me can tell. I just don't have a poker face I guess, and hiding them is dishonest I think. Man, my writing skills go down the tubes sometimes. My mom grounded me from church today. I always had to go to church when I got grounded before! "This is extracurricular." Well, now I have to call the worship leader and tell him I can't make it, on short notice. Then I'll get questions next week from the congregents. And I knkw that I'll probably lie. Do you know how that feels? I know that I'll probably lie to them to save face, but I can't resolve to tell the truth. And I call myself an honest person, or even a Christian? Man, this sucks. And why am I even showing this to people? Nobody will get this far anyway. Am I just attention starved? No, this is an explanation. So when I tell Mom that's it's selfish to ground me from church, because other people are affected, she says, "I think you're overestimating your value. Besides, you should have thought of that before you slacked off in Computers." Those have got to be the two most stupid sentences I've heard in a long time. First of all, who says that to their kid? "You don't matter." Just don't even bother showing up next week. In fact, kill yourself, because you're worthless. Oh yeah, and I completely thought, "I better get cracking on my work, because otherwise my mom won't let me go to church." What is this, the Dark Ages? Oh wait, people there went to church because they sinned. I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong. I have no due date. C'mon, is it really such a big deal? So I went in my room, listened to some songs, then took a nap. My mom left for work, and I have to stay home and write a song. Oh yeah, "why do all your projects have to be songs?" It's what I'm good at, the only thing I'm good at!!!! The only thing that I really like doing, the thing that makes me feel like a person and not a failure. The only thing I can be a leader at, excel at. Blah blah, I'm sick of bellyaching. Blah blah blah blah, none of this matters to you. You just clicked the link and didn't know what you were in for. By the way, don't expect me to give you some insight or props or anything if you talk to me in person. Yeah, whatever.