Review of Death Magnetic

I recently got Metallica's new CD from the library to see if their new bassist, Robert Trujillo, had the same positive impact on this washed-up metal band as he did on hardcore act Suicidal Tendencies (who has a song on Guitar Hero 2) and funk-metal band Infectious Grooves. Their songs are longer, which I like: Seven-minute songs are way cooler than the three-minute fluff dominating the hierarchical regime known as radio. Only the past glory of Metallica from the Cliff Burton years is the only thing that propelled this record to the top of the charts when it debuted a couple of months ago. The bummer is that their sound hasn't evolved much since the eighties. The riffs could've been conceived by a guitarist of a few months- whereas James Hetfield has been playing for thirty-one years. Kirk Hammet's solos are lame, pattern-based, unexciting, lacking musical value, and only express that their creator didn't put any thought into them. Also, Trujillo's monstrous skills are buried in the mix. Hetfield's vocal melodies insist on being tonic based. That means they focus on the root of the chord. This wouldn't be a problem if Metallica's songs changed chords with any kind of regularity. I don't pay attention to the words, but they probably suck. Kaitlyn, the girl sitting next to me right now in study hall, thinks that Britney Spears' music is better than Dream Theater. Unfortunately, this kind of unnerving ignorance is fatal. Yes, I am slightly kidding. The only treatment is to listen to the Britney Spears discography, taking several doses of Pepto-Bismol along the way. Then listen to just one song by Dream Theater. My case is rested.
*Disclaimer: I didn't listen to the whole thing, since the first four tracks were so bad. If there's a gem later on, my ruling stands. A band with so much experience has no business crafting these kinds of songs.